“Ice, Ice… BABY!” Summer of 2016

We named him Khai I have always felt something was missing after losing my baby in the summer of 2016; which was being a family. I knew God would make me a mother someday. Seeing a woman pregnant with a cute belly made me sad. I wanted to experience another life inside of me again. I was super embarrassed to tell people my baby had passed because ‘Facebook’ already knew and so did our families. I did not want to say the word miscarriage, it was awkward. Yet so many women have them. I went to my 12-week ultrasound on a sizzling summer day excited to see and hear my baby’s heartbeat. Not knowing about miscarriages was where I was at.

Seemingly not knowing about miscarriages, I looked at my baby dead on the screen with no heartbeat at the early age of 9 weeks and 3 days. He had not grown at all since then. I couldn’t believe it. I was carrying my baby for over 3 weeks without my body giving me any miscarriage signs. The doctor gave me options to release my baby, but I refused. I wanted to see if he would come out on his own even though the fetus might not expel all the tissue, the doctor told me. A week went by, and still no signs of a miscarriage. So, I ended up having an intermediate intervention which was very difficult. To the women who have lost their baby, I grieve with you and it’s not your fault. You will get to hold your sweet baby in Heaven one day. 

New baby

Fast forward to early Fall of 2017, I wrote God a letter. A personal letter letting Him know why I want a baby. I hinted to him I want a little girl so she can have a loving and healthy relationship with her daddy! A couple of days later we found out we were pregnant and had a feeling I was carrying a girl! We were full of emotions and all the what ifs.

Then on September 27, 2017, I had a vision in my dream of God sending an angel to tell me something very comforting. I remember her so vividly. The angel was a woman, with long wavy brown hair, dressed in white, had a cute button nose, and wore glasses. The background was very plain, with no scenery other than another angel in the back at her desk. The beautiful angel looked directly into my eyes with a soothing voice saying, “Why are you so worried about your pregnancy?” I immediately thought to myself “Don’t you know I just lost my baby the previous year!?” I knew right then everything was going to be okay and that God was with me.

I wanted to speak to her but couldn’t. We just looked into each other’s eyes in silence. I then woke up that morning excited to tell my husband whom I encountered. My husband never doubted me. The angel helped me and comforted me. I then noticed something very interesting after I had my vision. I calculated many times the day the angel spoke to me and the day my first baby had passed, and it was exactly 9 weeks and 3 days! Meaning God sent an angel at the exact number my baby passed the previous year. How awesome is that!? It just shows my faith was strengthened by 1,000 miles. 

Did people say negative remarks about me having complications regarding my pregnancy? Yes. Did that stop me from trusting God? No. I knew God sent an angel to speak to me for a very good reason, to help people understand to not be afraid, trust God, and have hope. People wanted me to doubt God and myself and that did not stop me! I worked out my entire pregnancy, including lots of hardcore weight training, did things people told me NOT to do, had so much confidence that the delivery of my baby would be wonderful, and told many people about the angel God sent me (including strangers).

The Bible says “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind” – 2 Timothy 1:7

Most people fear giving birth at home because they are afraid of something going wrong. You may hear horror stories of women dying, having complications, or simply saying “I can’t do it.” Isn’t life much more worth living and relaxing without being so afraid? I sure think so. God designed our brain so powerful that the way we think, and feel will influence the outcome. I have never imagined giving birth in a hospital. It never crossed my mind. I have always liked everything to be natural with no drugs or chemicals. I was inspired by women who gave birth naturally. Having a midwife was my first and only option to deliver my baby. One of my friends referred me to an amazing midwife who is one of the most humble and loving women I have ever met.  As the day my baby was about to arrive, I was already in labor without me knowing. I reached my 40-week mark in early May, and my midwife saw my stomach go up and down and said I was in labor at 10 am. I remember my husband and I wanted to go on a hike even though I was waddling and walking slow as a snail (literally). Our midwife said no so that she could keep an eye on me. We hung out all day including the 2 assistants, patiently waiting for the arrival of my daughter in the comfort of my own home. It was so peaceful and calming. My midwife and husband began to fill up the birthing pool as I lay in bed. At 11 pm I got into the birthing pool all excited, with no pain at 9 cm Dilated, began eating watermelon, laughing, and having decent conversations with everyone. They were amazed at how calm and content I was.

I began telling them about the angel God sent me in my vision and how everything would be OK. They said I was the first woman to feel no pain during labor, even at 9cm dilated! I began texting friends, family, and the pastor about how excited I was. Just after 11:30 pm that night, I felt a strong kick, looked down, and said, “Uh I think my water just broke”. Everyone hovered over me, looked in the water, and said “Yep”! I remember concentrating with tears in my eyes as my contractions were getting more intense. My body was too relaxed in the pool, so I decided to get in my bathtub to lie down and feel hot water on my body. My baby was always a strong kicker and wanted her out right then. My body was not progressing in the water, so I decided to get up and squat to push. It’s quite effective. I was squeezing my husband and one of the assistant’s hands very tightly as they were keeping my body up.

My body was exhausted, my face was turning white, and felt my legs shake. Swen was cheering me on and told me I could do it. During pushing, I asked one of the assistants how many home births she had LOL. The pain did hurt yes, but the pain was not how the worldly movies portray it to be. Women from the bible gave birth to their babies for hundreds of years with no drugs. Giving birth is so beautiful and knew I had the strength to do it. I ended up pushing the baby onto my bed, and saw and felt her head with a mirror, which was cool. What a night it was! Hearing her first cry was so precious, seeing her daddy hold her with so much love was so beautiful to see. When I held my baby for the first time I said, “Hi baby” and held her tight. We are so in love with her. She was and still is a very alert and sweet baby. My daughter was born early in the morning, weighing exactly 9 pounds, and 20 inches long, I had no tearing and no complications! I was in labor for a total of 17 hours (13 of them with no pain). It was the most smooth and perfect birth. God did the possible and never left my side! Now not knowing about miscarriages was a thing of the past and I was prepared.

“For with God, nothing will be impossible.” Luke 1:37

We all need to trust God and let him guide us with every step we take. Our little girl is such a blessing to us and cannot thank God enough. She is our miracle.